A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
20+ Things That Could Even Puzzle Sherlock Holmes
Once in a while, we come across things in our household that we can’t identify. If this happens to you, just know that you can ask the experts on Reddit. Here, people from all around the world share their knowledge and help figure out the purpose behind some really mysterious things.
Now I’ve Seen Everything can now say we haven’t really seen everything and here are some mysteries the internet managed to solve!
1. “Part with spokes rotates, spokes (of different diameters) match up to hole in the opposite side of the tool. Sharpie marker for size.”
Answer: It is for punching holes in leather or similar things. Like, for a belt.
2. “This little plastic basket/holder inside the far corner of a trolley — I asked the supermarket staff, they had no idea.”
Answer: It’s a bitz box (a place for small items, like pens, batteries, etc.).
3. “I know it’s a chair, but what’s with the extended arms?”
Answer: It looks like a plantation/planter chair. You’d put your sore, swollen legs up on the arms after sitting on a horse all day, like a pregnant woman with her legs up in the same fashion. This is why the back is so sloped as well. If you sat up straight it wouldn’t be comfortable to put your legs up like that, but in a reclined position, it’s good for blood flow and airflow.
4. “Small, light blue, rubber capsule with a tear-off end.”
Answer: It’s a cosmetics serum capsule.
5. “My coworker saw this toilet in the women’s restroom at the Huntsville Space Center. Why is it shaped this way?”
Answer: It is a woman’s urinal. It encourages women to urinate from a standing position without the need to sit on a shared seat.
6. “I’m waiting for the bank to open and they have this card facing the street. What is it used for?”
Answer: It’s definitely a safety signal. We switch ours quarterly and it’s to let other employees know that it is all clear to open. Typically we had 2 employees “open” the branch while the rest waited in the parking lot or across the street for “all clear.” The openers go in, turn off the alarm, search the building, and check everything, then set the signal.
7. “In the middle of the wall in my 1906 house”
Answer: It’s a capped-off gas line from when they used gaslighting.
8. “Found this in Guam in shallow water, 3 meters in diameter. Never seen anything like it.”
Answer: This is absolutely a rocket part.
9. “Opposite of hole-y: what is this not-really-spiky kitchen spoon for?”
Answer: It’s a spaghetti server.
10. “What is the S-shaped metal ornament on this house?”
Answer: It’s an anchor plate or wall washer. It’s meant to keep masonry in place and made aesthetically pleasing because they’re visible. There is a bolt going on the other side, in the center, holding the bricks in place.
11. “What is this piece of seemingly old tech? Found in a pile at a university.”
Answer: That’s a very old wearable computer.
12. “My house (built in the mid ’70s) has one of these in almost every room.”
Answer: The 3-prong ones were for TV and FM antennas, and the center one was for an antenna rotator to get better reception.
13. “This is an on-gate blocking road access to some cell towers. Why so many locks and how would someone even open it?”
Answer: You can open the gate by unlocking only one padlock. The way it’s designed means that multiple people can use the gate, and if one person loses their keys, only their padlock needs to be replaced. As opposed to one padlock with many keys, you’d need to give tons of people the new key.
14. “What are these shredded balls on my property?”
Answer: Juniper-hawthorn rust — it’s a fungal disease. It starts as a gall then the tentacles appear around spring or after rain. It probably won’t kill this tree but it can seriously mess up secondary host apple trees. The only way to get rid of it is to prune then burn the removed branches. Don’t forget to disinfect your tools after.
15. “A cast iron circle with raised edges and a zero”
Answer: I think it’s a support for an old waffle maker.
16. “I found this while cleaning out an old cedar closet. Had a bendy spring in the middle. Looks like it hangs on a door?”
Answer: I think it’s a vintage hat display stand. If you Google it, there are a lot that have the springy bit and the pull cord (it probably lets you pull the hat down and to the sides to examine it rather than touching the hat itself). Yours seems to be held by sliding onto a table edge rather than sitting on the table itself. So you’re holding it sideways.
17. “What is this stuff growing out of the nail holes in my ceiling?”
Answer: That’s termite frass. You’ve got bad termites and you’ll want to deal with it ASAP.
18. “I just bought a house and this weird triangle holder thing is by my kitchen sink. What is it?”
Answer: It’s a dishtowel holder. Take the corner of your dishtowel and put it to the back of the triangle, then pull down on the towel and it’s held in place.
19. “Found this buried in the garden, very tough glass.”
Answer: My father repaired TVs for decades. I can confirm this one is the glass back.
20. “I bought these at a thrift store. Thought it was a bar spoon but I’m not certain.”
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Answer: They’re ice cream spoons.
21. “I found this in our kitchen drawer when I moved in, none of my roommates have any idea. What is this thing?”
Answer: It’s a part of a tea infuser.
22. “Found these when clearing out my dad’s wardrobe. Any idea what you’d hang on them?”
23. “It is made of steel/iron and is heavier than it looks. We’re not sure if it’s a tool or some type of kitchenware.”
Answer: Apparently it’s a meat tenderizer.
24. “Delicate wooden whisk type thing that fits into a small vase item with openings on both ends. What is it? I’m so curious!”
Answer: It’s a matcha whisk and whisk holder.
Which one of these did you instantly know the purpose of? Do you have any mysterious things around your house that you can’t figure out? Share them with us and let’s solve the mystery together!
Preview photo credit MamaBearsApron / reddit
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