When her son wants to marry a poor girl, a snobby mother becomes furious and invites her parents to the wedding on the grounds that they don’t appear classy enough.
She was shocked to learn that Clara Wellington’s son intended to wed a poor girl from Montana when he returned from college. She questioned, “But who are her parents?” “How do they operate?”
Brad, her son, questioned, “What does that matter?” “The only thing that matters to me is that I love Frannie.” Clara sealed her mouth shut. Naturally, birth and social standing were important factors. For Clara, at any rate, they were everything!
Clara’s worst fears were realized when she and her husband, Brad Senior, met Frannie Heckle and her parents. Clara assumed that the Heckles were not what she wanted as her son’s in-laws, but rather what her father-in-law would have called “salt-of-the-earth” folks!
Mrs. Heckle liked painfully vivid flowery house dresses and white plastic shoes, whereas Mr. Heckle was a tall, burly man who wore a light blue suit that pouped at the knees and elbows.
Clara trembled. They would need to take action over their attire! She refused to let them ruin the wedding by coming off as the hicks that they so obviously were! When she told her husband as much, she was taken aback by his response.
Brad Senior had remarked, “Leave them alone, Clara,” using a tone of voice he didn’t usually use around her. “Brad genuinely cares for this girl, and these are good people.” It makes no difference what they wear!
Clara was infuriated by her husband’s inability to recognize the significance of projecting the proper image and making the appropriate impression. Her son would become a prosperous man and a member of the city’s elite eventually.
Don’t downplay your origins or try to be someone you’re not.
Clara was determined that this wedding would be a huge success and that no one would make fun of her only son’s wedding. She knew that people would be talking about it for years to come.
Mrs. Heckle and Frannie were asked to lunch by Clara, who took great pains to explain to them the significance of their attire.
“Mrs. Heckle, I believe you ought to reconsider your image. You ought to visit Bloomingdales; there are several reasonably priced off-the-rack items there that would suit both your husband and you well.
Matt Heath: My parting message: Enjoy things while they are around
A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
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