Larry, our clipboard-wielding HOA dictator, had no idea who he was messing with when he fined me for my lawn being half an inch too long. I decided to give him something to really look at, a lawn so outrageous, yet so perfectly within the rules, that he’d regret ever starting this fight.
For decades, my neighborhood was the kind of place where you could sip tea on your porch in peace, wave to the neighbors, and not worry about a thing.
Then Larry got his grubby hands on the HOA presidency.
Oh, Larry. You know the type: mid-50s, born in a pressed polo shirt, thinks the world revolves around his clipboard. From the moment he took office, it was like someone handed him the keys to a kingdom.
Or at least, that’s what he thought.
Now, I’ve been living here for twenty-five years. Raised three kids in this house. Buried a husband too. And you know what I’d learned?
Don’t mess with a woman who’s survived kids and a man who thought barbeque sauce was a vegetable. Larry clearly didn’t get that memo.
Ever since I skipped his precious HOA meeting last summer, he’s been out for blood. Like I needed to hear two hours of droning on about fence heights and paint colors. I had more important things to do — like watching my begonias bloom.
It all started last week.
I was out on the porch, minding my business, when I spotted Larry marching up the driveway, clipboard in hand.
“Oh, here we go,” I muttered, already feeling my blood pressure spike.
He stopped right at the foot of the steps, and didn’t even bother with a hello.
“Mrs. Pearson,” he began, his voice dripping with condescension. “I’m afraid you’ve violated the HOA’s lawn maintenance standards.”
I blinked at him, trying to keep my temper in check. “Is that so? The lawn’s been freshly mowed. Just did it two days ago.”
“Well,” he said, clicking his pen like he was about to write me up for a felony, “it’s half an inch too long. HOA standards are very clear about this.”
I stared at him. Half. An. Inch. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
His smug little grin told me otherwise.
“We have standards here, Mrs. Pearson. If we let one person get away with neglecting their lawn, what kind of message does that send?”
Oh, I could’ve throttled him right there. But I didn’t. Instead, I just smiled sweetly and said, “Thanks for the heads-up, Larry. I’ll be sure to trim that extra half-inch for you.”
Inside, though? I was fuming. Who did this guy think he was? Half an inch?
I’ve survived diaper blowouts, PTA meetings, and a husband who once tried to roast marshmallows using a propane torch. I wasn’t about to let Larry the Clipboard King push me around.
That night, I sat in my armchair, stewing over the whole thing. I thought about all the times in my life I’d been told to “follow the rules,” and how I’d managed to bend them just enough to keep my sanity.
If Larry wanted to play hardball, fine. Two could play that game.
And then it hit me: the HOA rulebook. That stupid, dusty old thing Larry was always quoting. I hadn’t bothered with it much over the years, but now it was time to get acquainted.
I flipped through it for a good hour, and there it was. Clear as day. Lawn decorations, tasteful, of course, were completely allowed, as long as they stayed within certain size and placement guidelines.
Oh, Larry. You poor, unfortunate soul. You had no idea what you’d just unleashed.
The very next morning, I went on the shopping spree of a lifetime. It was glorious. I bought gnomes. Not just any gnomes, though, giant ones. One was holding a lantern, another was fishing in a little fake pond I set up in the garden.
And an entire flock of pink, plastic flamingos. I clustered them together like they were planning some sort of tropical rebellion.
Then came the solar lights. I lined the walkway, the garden, and even hung a few in the trees. By the time I was done, my yard looked like a cross between a fairy tale and a Florida souvenir shop.
And the best part? Every single piece was perfectly HOA-compliant. Not a single rule was broken. I leaned back in my lawn chair, watching the sun set behind my masterpiece.
The twinkling lights came to life, casting a warm glow over my gnome army and the flamingo brigade. It was, in a word, glorious.
But Larry, oh Larry, was not going to take this lying down.
The first time he saw my yard, I knew I had him. I was watering the petunias when I spotted his car creeping down the street. His windows rolled down, his eyes narrowing as they scanned every inch of my lawn.
The way his jaw clenched, his fingers tight on the steering wheel — it was priceless. He slowed to a crawl, staring at the gnome with the margarita, lounging in his lawn chair like he didn’t have a care in the world.
I gave Larry a little wave, extra sweet, as if I didn’t know I’d just declared war.
He stared at me, his face turning the color of a sunburned tomato, and then, without a word, he sped off.
I let out a laugh so loud it startled a squirrel in the oak tree. “That’s right, Larry. You can’t touch this.”
For a few days, I thought maybe, just maybe, he’d let it go. Silly me. A week later, there he was again, stomping up to my door with that clipboard, wearing his HOA President badge like he’d been knighted.
“Mrs. Pearson,” he began, not even bothering with pleasantries, “I’ve come to inform you that your mailbox violates HOA standards.”
I blinked at him. “The mailbox?” I tilted my head toward it. “Larry, I just painted that thing two months ago. It’s pristine.”
He squinted at it like he’d found some imaginary flaw. “The paint is chipping,” he insisted, scribbling something on his clipboard.
I glanced at the mailbox again. Not a chip in sight. But I knew this wasn’t about the mailbox. This was personal.
“You’ve got a lot of nerve,” I muttered, crossing my arms. “All this over half an inch of grass?”
“I’m just enforcing the rules,” Larry said, but the look in his eyes told a different story.
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Sure, Larry. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”
He turned on his heel and strutted back to his car like he’d just delivered some life-altering decree. I watched him go, fury bubbling up inside me. Oh, he thought he could win this? Fine. Let the games begin.
That night, I hatched a plan. If Larry wanted a fight, he was going to get one. I spent the next morning back at the garden store, loading up on more gnomes, more flamingos, and just for fun, a motion-activated sprinkler system.
By the time I was done, my yard looked like a carnival of absurdity. Gnomes of all sizes stood proudly in formation, some fishing, some holding tiny shovels, and one, my new favorite, lounging in a hammock with a miniature beer in hand.
The flamingos? They’d formed their own pink plastic army, marching across the lawn with solar lights guiding their way.
But the pièce de résistance? The sprinkler system. Every time Larry came by to inspect my yard, the motion sensor would activate, spraying water in every direction. Totally by accident, of course.
The first time it happened, I nearly fell off the porch laughing.
Larry pulled up, clipboard ready, only to be met with a stream of water straight to the face. He spluttered, waving his arms like a drowning cat, and retreated to his car, soaked to the bone.
The look of pure outrage on his face was worth every penny I’d spent.
But the best part? The neighbors started to notice.
One by one, they began stopping by to compliment my “creative flair.”
Mrs. Johnson from three houses down said she loved the “whimsical” atmosphere. Mr. Thompson chuckled, saying he hadn’t seen Larry so flustered in years. And soon, it wasn’t just compliments. The neighbors started putting up their own lawn decorations.
It began with a few garden gnomes, but soon, flamingos popped up all over the cul-de-sac, twinkling lights appeared in every yard, and someone even set up a miniature windmill.
Larry couldn’t keep up.
His clipboard became a joke. The once-feared fines became a badge of honor among the residents, and the more he tried to tighten his grip, the more the neighborhood slipped through his fingers.
Every day, Larry had to drive past our gnomes, our flamingos, and our lights, knowing full well that we’d beaten him at his own game.
And me? I watched the chaos unfold with a smile on my face.
The whole neighborhood had come together, united by lawn ornaments and sheer spite. And Larry, poor Larry, was left powerless, just a man with a soggy clipboard and no authority to back it up.
So, Larry, if you’re reading this, keep on looking. I’ve got plenty more ideas where these came from.
Felix put his head in his hands and sighed. No matter how often he went through the monthly figures for his home handyman business, he couldn’t deny the facts. He was facing another shortfall this month
Felix notices his elderly neighbor laboring to trim her overgrown yard and runs to assist. As a thank you, she thrusts an odd antique box upon him; however, Felix finds himself in serious legal hot water when her attorney calls to demand an immediate appointment.
Felix was looking over his handyman business’s monthly accounts when he heard a lawnmower snarl. When he peered out his kitchen window, he was startled to see an old woman named Mrs. McAllister using her cane as a walking aid and straining to maneuver her lawnmower with one hand.
Mrs. McAllister was crimson in the face and drenched in sweat when Felix caught up to her. She turned off the lawnmower.
“Felix…Can I help with something, please?you with? She gasped.
“Please move aside so I can assist you! To be honest, Mrs. McAllister, your son ought to be assisting you with these household tasks. It’s wrong to leave your aging mother to struggle on her own.
Felix was invited inside for a drink of lemonade by Mrs. McAllister after a tiring morning spent mowing and raking the tall, wet grass. The dirty mess of cobwebs, dirt, and trinkets in her house astounded him. Felix thought that his generous neighbor was no longer able to care for herself.
“You go now, sweetie.” On the table, Mrs. McAllister set down a glass of lemonade.
“I also want this to belong to you. This antique has been handed down through my family.
Felix scowled at the metal container she extended for him. It was quite weighty and featured a curious set of dials on the lid.
“Mrs. McAllister, I don’t need a fancy gift for such a simple task.” Felix returned the box to her hand.
Mrs. McAllister cast a disappointed glance. She demanded he take something to make up for his worries and went to get his daughter Suzie an apple-filled grocery bag. She then groaned loudly and collapsed into her armchair, obviously tired.
Felix left Mrs. McAllister to rest, insisting that she phone him the next time she needs assistance. Later on in the day, Suzie hurried up to Felix, grinning with excitement.
“Look, Dad! I found something under the apples that Mrs. McAllister gave us!” She pointed out to him the same weird metal box. “I can’t open it, but I think these dials are a combination lock.”
“Suzie, I know you adore vintage puzzle boxes and stuff, but we’re not keeping this.” He extended his hand to grasp the package. “I will give it back to Mrs. McAllister.”
Felix insisted even though Suzie was furiously unhappy. With the box in hand, he marched back to Mrs. McAllister’s house, but she did not answer the door. He groaned in frustration and reached for the door handle. He stepped inside after shouting to Mrs. McAllister that he was returning her box safely.
The body of Mrs. McAllister was hunched over in the recliner. Her eyes were empty and unseen as they gazed at the wall.
“Mrs. McAllister!” Felix hurried to her side and yelled, but it was too late—Mrs. McAllister had vanished.
It wasn’t until much later that Felix noticed the box was in his pocket. He looked for comparable antique boxes on the internet on a whim. When he eventually located a match, he cursed.
This was a $250,000 box!
Felix couldn’t return the package even though he hadn’t wanted to, and Suzie’s future would be guaranteed by that sum of money. For the benefit of Suzie, he had to sell it. Felix put the box somewhere safe in the interim. Felix received an odd phone call a few days later.
“This is Tim, the attorney for Mrs. McAllister. I would like to schedule a meeting with you right away. Are you free right now?
Felix was cautious about Tim’s haste, but he agreed to meet the lawyer at a town cafe. He was interested as to why Tim wanted to see him, despite his discomfort. When he came and found Henry, the son of Mrs. McAllister, sitting at a table with the man who had to be Tim, his uncertainty only deepened.
Felix joined them, and Henry sent him a look. Felix, allow me to get right to the point. A priceless heirloom—a tiny box with few dials on the lid—has vanished from my mother’s home. Since you were the last person in her home, I wanted to give you an opportunity to act morally.
“You believe I took something from your mom?” Felix bellowed. “Mrs. McAllister gave me the box as a token of appreciation for mowing her lawn—a duty you ought to have performed for her!”
“You would never have gotten that box from Mom!” Felix was stabbed by Henry with his finger. It was commissioned from a renowned artisan by my great-great-grandfather, a well-known politician! There are just two in the entire globe! I’ll give you $1,000 for the box if you return it to me. Alright?
“No.” Felix got to his feet. “When I put it up for auction, you are welcome to participate in the bidding. Henry, good bye.
Felix took the box to a nearby auction house the following day to have it valued. Mr. Whitaker, a serious guy with a snobbish accent, summoned him to an assessment in a back room. Ellen, a woman, also joined them.
Mr. Whitaker stated, “I can confirm right away that the craftsman’s mark on the underside is genuine.” That implies, sir, that this is a really noteworthy piece. One of just two worldwide.
Ellen bent to look inside the box. That is really beautiful.Could you please show me your provenance paperwork?
“Pardon me?” Felix queried.
A muscle in the woman’s cheek quivered. “Any verifiable document that demonstrates the authenticity of the artifact and your ownership, or a certificate of authentication, must be provided.”
Felix lied, saying, “Uh…I left all that stuff at home.” He objected to the direction this appraisal had gone. After removing the package from the table, he made his way toward the door. “I’ll go get it and come back right away.”
“You cannot be allowed to do that.” Ellen moved to the side, obstructing his way to the door.
“We have a duty to report any…discrepancies involving objects associated with historical personalities to the relevant authorities.”
Felix went into a panic. He swerved to avoid the woman and Mr. Whitaker, then shot out into the corridor. As soon as he arrived at the reception area, an alarm went off.
Felix ducked and slid past guards who were scrambling to stop him, feeling as though he was back on his high school football field. He sprang away from the grip of one and bolted out of the building onto the street. From then, he ran until his legs were completely numb.
Felix walked his living room, considering what to do. In order to put money into Suzie’s future, he had to sell the box, but he needed some sort of paperwork to make it happen.
He wished he could find out from Mrs. McAllister. She would likely be able to supply the precise documentation he required to show provenance as well as know exactly what they were. Felix thought for a moment, thinking there might be a market for the box. He didn’t want to do it, but he was stuck with no other option.
Felix went through his toolboxes and picked out a few necessary items, then went to the garage to get his boltcutter. Felix broke into Mrs. McAllister’s residence after Suzie went to bed that evening in order to find the documents he need.
Felix felt a shiver run down his spine as he entered Mrs. McAllister’s bedroom. The smell in here was still hers. He forced himself to see into her personal space even though it felt intrusive and spooky. The light in the bedroom came on while he was halfway across the space.
“You’re not so mighty and high now, Felix?” Henry snarled from the entrance.
Felix pivoted. Felix had a flash in his eyes as Henry snapped pictures of him with his phone raised.
Felix covered his face with a raised hand. Henry, this isn’t how it looks. All I need is—
“I know the paperwork for the box.” Henry grinned. “The auction house contacted me after you attempted to swindle them since my family is known to have a link to that box. I told them, of course, that you took it.
“That is untrue!”
“But without the right paperwork, it’s impossible to prove ownership.” Henry filled the entryway with his stance, arms crossed. “Neither can you sell it. I’ll give you till tomorrow at eight in the morning to turn it in; if not, I’ll phone the police.
Felix took out running from Mrs. McAllister’s house as Henry moved aside. He was burdened by the implications he now had to face. The day he discovered Mrs. McAllister dead, he wished he had left the box at her home.
However, she had desired it for him! Felix didn’t think Henry would follow through on his promise to turn over the box. Ideas were flying through his head. He knew what he had to do by daylight.
He woke Suzie and instructed her to hurriedly pack her bags, then requested his mom to come over right now. They were all gathered at the front door a few hours later. Now that he had covered everything, it was time to say their goodbyes.
Felix handed Suzie the box. “As soon as you can, sell it. Please don’t accept anything less than $100,000 for it. The only way to escape this disaster and yet make sure you have the best possible life is to do this.
Tightly hugging his daughter, Felix fought back the tears that threatened to well up in his eyes. One of the toughest things he had ever had to do in his life was say goodbye to her.
“Suzie, I know you’ll have a wonderful life,” he added, gazing into her eyes. “Travel to see what the world has to offer and study hard so you can make something of yourself.” Observe your grandmother.Family is vital, and we should show respect for the elderly.
In the distance, police sirens sounded. Half an hour had passed since Henry’s deadline at 8:30 a.m. He had a suspicion that those sirens were pursuing him. He kept his eyes on Mom and Suzie as they pulled out of the driveway, hearing the police sirens becoming closer. When the police detained him, he found some solace in the fact that they were out of this mess.
Legal complications hampered the allegations against Felix, despite Henry’s threats. The absence of the box cast doubt on several crucial aspects of Henry’s case. Felix waited for his court date in a detention cell for four months. A guard informed him one day that someone had paid his bail.
Felix was genuinely perplexed. Suzie was waiting for him in the front portion of the prison, where he followed the man. Together, they strolled outdoors. Mom was waiting for them, parked at the curb.
Felix replied, “Okay, Suzie, I can’t wait any longer,” as they climbed into the vehicle. “What’s happening?”
“Well, I ignored your advice regarding the box.” Suzie gave a shy smile. Rather, I discovered how to open it. There was a note from Mrs. McAllister along with an authentication certificate inside. Dad, she genuinely wanted that package to belong to you. That was stated in the note.
Felix scowled. Suzie wasn’t done, so he didn’t have much time to consider Mrs. McAllister’s request that he take the box, even though he still didn’t comprehend it.
“I showed your lawyer the note, and after that, I brought the box containing all the documents to an antique dealer.” Suzie gave this big smile. “He gave us enough money to post bail, and we have an additional $100,000!”
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